The CAPE Olympics: Rules and Regulations
The most important thing in the CAPE Olympics is not to get all ones, but to pass, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.
The CAPE Olympics is the greatest education destroyer of our time.
1. To be eligible for the CAPE Olympics, a competitor must be willing to participate in frequent bouts of crying as an avocation with a mental breakdown of some kind.
He can avail himself of this qualification:
a) If he selects s̶u̶b̶j̶e̶c̶t̶s̶ events designed to jeopardize his present and future scholastic career;
b) If he has prepared, or commenced preparations for the Olympics from Grade 1;
c) If he complies with the rules of the Barbadian Life Ruining Federation, and the official interpretations of this rule.
2. No age limit for competitors in the CAPE Olympics is stipulated by the Barbadian Life Ruining Federation. Bring your ones from CSEC, baby; we can bring the pain.
3. The official program shall include at least fifteen of the following events:
Art and Who Design CXC, Fada God?
(Fuck) Caribbean Studies
Food and Nutrition
Geometrical and Mechanical Engineering (GminahMEDzthis)
(Too Much Information) Technology
Literatures in English
MISmanagement of Business
Pure S̶t̶r̶e̶s̶s̶ Mathematics
The Intellectual Annihilation (IA)
4. IAs are received from the competitors, and in some cases, the friends of competitors who may not forward them to the Organizing Committee. The Organizing Committee probably won’t acknowledge them. However, the Committee must take the time to actually read what has been corrected and poured over time and time again, and make sure that no marks have been left out for asinine, illogical, or nonsensical reasons. Because the list of events in which the competitors will participate must be submitted to the Barbadian Life Ruining Federation at least eight weeks before the date of the opening of the Olympics, first drafts will be returned three weeks late, with no feedback. All IAs must be typed in double space, Times New Roman, size 12, because this is CXC’s world, and we are just a̶c̶a̶d̶e̶m̶i̶c̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶s̶ living in it.
As a condition precedent to participation in the CAPE Olympics, a competitor must be willing to give up complete control of his life, and conform with rule 1 and the Eligibility Rules. He must possess a superhuman ability to survive off of less than 5 hours of sleep and be able to scale the insurmountable mountain of work ahead.
While the CAPE Olympics s̶c̶r̶e̶w̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ welcome the Youth of the World, it is a physical impossibility to accommodate all that Youth, and it is advised that only competitors of steel-grade strength mental calibre be sent to the Olympics.
5. The Organizing Committee shall ensure that the printing, photocopying, textbook, and Nescafe Instant expenses for competitors are kept to the utmost maximum.
6. The Olympic Committee shall provide a p̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶ s̶i̶x̶t̶h̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶m̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶c̶k̶ Olympic Village so that competitors and team officials can be housed together and trained at an exorbitant price. The Village shall be located as far away as possible from the bookstore, working water coolers and other facilities. Arrangements shall also be made for the accommodation of the invigilators, examiners, etc., appointed by the International Federations within the limits approved by the Olympic Committee.
Penalties in case of Fraud
7. A competitor proved to have transgressed the Olympic Rules knowingly shall be made a National Hero and earn a place in oil paint on the walls of some obscure primary school in rural Jamaica. If this competitor’s Olympic Committee is proved to have been party to the fraud, the entire team in the event shall be subject to superhuman evaluation.
8. The prizes of the CAPE Olympics shall be provided by the Barbadian Life Ruining Committee for distribution by the Olympic Committee. They consist of certificates and diplomas. A competitor receives a piece of paper for completing the hardest two years of his life. If a competitor is known to have transgressed the Olympic Rules (see Rule 7) and wins a place on the ever-elusive merit list, he receives the satisfaction of using black magic to win the place, and free food in addition to the aforementioned piece of paper.
THE CAPE OLYMPICS ARE NOT FOR PROFIT
Ye$. We care deeply abou$t you$r educa$tion. Your $ucce$$ i$ our numb$er one pri$ority.